another blog?

I am thinking of starting another blog to connect with other people who have lost a parent. I KNOW that my mom is in a better place. I KNOW that is is not supposed to be "easy" to loose a parent BUT I feel like a part of me is missing. I feel like I could cry all day sometimes. I feel like.....like I would not wish this pain on anyone! I feel like I miss my mom! I miss the way she was ALWAYS so positive. I miss talking to her on a daily basis AND HEARING HER VOICE IN RESPONSE! I miss her tiny hands and the way she would squeeze 3 TIMES, meaning I LOVE YOU, every time we held hands. I miss getting cards in the mail for no reason! I miss the way she always knew what was going through my mind without me having to say anything, even over the phone she knew what I was thinking. I miss the way she smelled. I catch myself calling my grandmother ONLY TO HEAR MY MOMS VOICE ON THE MACHINE! I hurt today, every day really, but today is a hard day......

Rylee's BIRTHday!

So, I can't believe it! This time last year, January 3, 20008,  I was headed to my LAST OB appointment not knowing that I would have my angel 12 hours later....3 weeks early. I was dilated to a 2-3 and 80%effaced. I was having contractions but they were irregular and mixed with braxton hicks.  They hooked me up and listened to her for a while and decided that it was up to me if I wanted to go to the hospital and get things started or if I wanted to go home and wait it out. I decided to go home. The doctor decided that I would not make it more than a week so we agreed that I would be induced January 11 if I made it that long. I went to visit my friend Jess after my appointment and we went walking. When I got home I agreed to let George go out with some friends but that I wanted him home at midnight. He agreed. I went to bed about 10:30 and slept like a BABY! Roger, our cat was curled up on my belly since I was laying on my side. I assume George got home before midnight because at about 12:45 I got woken up by my cat "tapping" my face. I was mad. I was getting the best sleep I had in weeks. When I got up I realized that my contractions were coming every 5 min and lasting about a minute. I woke George up and decided to take a shower to see if it would slow things down (showers stopped my braxton hicks and I figured that was all I was having). When I got out I was HURTING! We got to the hospital a little after 2am. My contractions were coming ever 2-3 minutes and lasting well over a minute. They checked me I was about a 5-6 and 100% effaced. They hooked up the monitors and knew something was wrong. During contractions Rylee's heart rate was a little high and after a contraction was over her heart rate was between 40-60 which is way low. They set me up for an emergency C-section since rotating my position was not helping anything. With the help of a vacuum extractor (hear head was lodged in my pelvis) my little girl was born January 4, 2008 at 4:34 am but did not take her first breath until 4:36am. She was GREY! She weighed 6lb 11oz and was 20 inched long. I was so scared and George was trying to take my mind off of things while I watched them work on her. When I hear her little squeaks I couldn't help by cry. She spent 13 hrs in the NICU and we spent 5 nights in the hospital because she was pretty jaundiced and lost nearly a whole lb. Here are some pictures from her BIRTHday!

 

5 days later she was 5lb 14 when we went home

 

that is about it for now......my baby girl will be 3 tomorrow.....

Christams Eve already?!?

I wish everyone a Verrrrry Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. May 2011 bring MUCH joy to you and yours!!!!!

On a personal note, I can NOT wait for next year to begin and this year to END! 2010 has been a nightmare. January I found out that my mom had, yet again, another brain tumor. In March it was confirmed that she had brain AND lung cancer. April my car got totaled. August my mom took a turn for the worse so I dropped out of my externship and Rylee and I flew to California. September I got carjacked and Rylee got kidnapped. November my mom died. December my Grandad died. ......2011 HAS to be better!

I struggle as a Christian to try to understand WHY these things happened in my life this year. I know that I need to just stay true to my faith and pray for things to not get worse and for the strength and comfort that He can/will give me. I KNOW all of these things. I am human though, therefore staying strong all the time is a daily struggle. I will continue to pray....

That is about it for now......